- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner
- “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” -Oscar Wilde
- Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey
- Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. -Mae West
- ”Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.” – Anonymous
- Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you. Anonymous.
- Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? – Phyllis Diller
- Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. -Elbert Hubbard
- I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. Ron White
- I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. -Rodney Dangerfield
- Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.-Ronald Reagan
- I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. -Steven Wright
- They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. – Clint Eastwood